Tuesday, April 19, 2011

pining

You might be happy to hear that my recent colonoscopy results were very good -- my specialist described my insides as looking like a normal person's, and that I "should keep doing whatever I'm doing." Heartening news, from a health and colitis perspective. Diet and exercise? Or just keeping on my medication (150 mg of azathioprine a day)? I avoided heavy drinking last year, so perhaps that helped too. I guess I'm also allowing myself to believe that my colitis isn't going to bother me for some time; that would be sweet.

But yeah, I'd forgotten what an ordeal the preparation for the procedure was -- drinking that vile, sickly sweet liquid every 10 minutes. Ugh, I get queasy just thinking about it. Sure, there's a certain satisfaction in cleaning out one's insides but that's tempered with light-headedness, weakness and hunger. And the flavor of that wretched stuff! "Vanilla pineapple."

Good news, and yet I remain dim and uninspired, down and joyless. They said 'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all, but such a sentiment is of little solace. Undoubtedly I am wiser for my experience and time with Monica. But I am also weaker, so much weaker, drained of my potential. It's entirely irrational to think thus for we fought, fought a lot, grating against each other's character. And yet I continue to remember everything fondly, the warmth of the good outshining the steely chill of the bad, in a rose-coloured light the lens of which I cannot remove from my eyes. Were that I could not see! Ah, then maybe I'd not dream of her, a happy Monica whom perhaps never really existed; I can no longer tell. Like a fragmented harddrive is my mind, and with each day what seems real and what really happened gets pushed around more and more.

But ha! I throw yet more at my mind, at my time, to get my mind off of her (getting my heart away from there is another matter): I will be taking my karate green belt test this coming May 7th. You may ask, "Green?", to which I reply, yes, with this school, Ronin-kai, I've not yet taken any of their tests. Sure, I got my black sash in kung fu (June 2nd, 2007), and have trained with other belts at my old school, but technically I've not climbed the karate ladder. So, back to training it is for me! I should consider getting a practice dummy, hmmm! Oh, if you wish to watch my test you are welcome, more than welcome, to come by -- it's held in a studio near Yonge and Eglinton. I can't promise a spectacle.

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