hwan.com

You might be happy to hear that my recent colonoscopy results were very good -- my specialist described my insides as looking like a normal person's, and that I "should keep doing whatever I'm doing." Heartening news, from a health and colitis perspective. Diet and exercise? Or just keeping on my medication (150 mg of azathioprine a day)? I avoided heavy drinking last year, so perhaps that helped too. I guess I'm also allowing myself to believe that my colitis isn't going to bother me for some time; that would be sweet. But yeah, I'd forgotten what an ordeal the preparation for the procedure was -- drinking that vile, sickly sweet liquid every 10 minutes. Ugh, I get queasy just thinking about it. Sure, there's a certain satisfaction in cleaning out one's insides but that's tempered with light-headedness, weakness and hunger. And the flavor of that wretched stuff! "Vanilla pineapple." Good news, and yet I remain dim and uninspired, dow...

Numb, emotionally numb, as if all my body were frozen; every beat, held in time. I fought the long fight but in the end I succumbed and I feel the end is very near. The future now lays before me like an empty road, desolate, unknown, I stare at it through dry, blinking eyes. I commited relationship suicide, for lack of a better term. I'd always imagined myself to be brave and strong but I see more clearly now, clearly do I see the coward and weakling I inhabit. However, now that I've stepped on this path I must see it through to the end; going back is to return to a larger abyss. Who knew love could be so painful, so terrible? I'd not believed it until now, now that I've experienced the strange and the unexpected, the impossible to otherwise know without passing through it, a scathing and burning. In the end, was it me that I ran from, from my own crimes of heated passion, my inability to maintain full control of my faculties at all times? I feel changed, to b...